What is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse is defined as any non-physical behaviour designed to systematically control, intimidate, gaslight or dominate another person. What differentiates emotional abuse from ‘bad behaviour’ in a relationship is a clear, recurring, consistent pattern of hurtful and condescending behaviour.
Emotional abuse is insidious: Not only does it take many forms, it can be subtle, and therefore difficult to identify. People who are experiencing emotional abuse tend to initially seek support for a range of related mental health issues including depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, body image issues, difficulties enjoying sex, and substance use issues. Given the way emotional abuse limits our ability to trust our own judgment, people often struggle make the connection between their distress and a partner’s controlling behaviour.
If I identify a pattern of control and abuse in your relationship, I will name this and share my observations, helping you navigate your options moving forward. This will look different for each individual, depending on your personal choices, resources and relative safety.
Sometimes, the most confronting but important step is acknowledging that emotional abuse is happening to you.
Are you being emotionally abused?
Too much, too soon
Your relationship intensifies rapidly in the early stages of getting to know each-other. Eg. your partner expresses their love for you on the third date, buys you expensive gifts early on or you move in together within weeks of meeting.
Limiting agency, independence or social life
You feel as if you need to ‘ask permission’ from your partner before making even the smallest decisions.
You are expected to be contactable any time of the day so that your partner can ‘check on you’. They explain this is ‘for your own safety'/‘because they care about you’
You find yourself withdrawing from friends or family members your partner doesn’t like
You’re expected to account for your spending, or your partner controls your financial decisions, eg. they discourage you from having an individual bank account or expect you to explain every withdrawal you make from your shared finances (although this rarely goes both ways).
Unpredictable and punishing behaviour
You feel as if you are constantly ‘walking on eggshells’ to avoid upsetting your partner. You constantly monitor your partner’s moods and screen your behaviour for anything that might upset them
Your partner’s personality seems to change radically. They may seem gentle, loving, kind one moment and furious the next.
Your partner punishes you by stonewalling you, sulking or withdrawing affection and then suddenly goes ‘back to normal’ as if nothing happened.
Your partner sometimes explodes out of the blue, insulting and belittling you, then begging for forgiveness later and showering you with exaggerated gestures of affection/remorse. They may also offer excuses that undermine your experience of their behaviour (eg. they were ‘just expressing intense emotion because they love you’/they’re just very passionate).This forms a classic cycle of emotional abuse.
Unfounded jealousy
Your partner constantly accuses you of ‘flirting’ or cheating on them, when this is entirely untrue. They may also pressure you into sex/sexual acts you don’t want to engage in
Your partner tries to convince you their controlling behaviour is “romantic” and a sign of ‘possessive love’ when it is actually an expression of unchecked jealousy, (eg. A common excuse they use is, they “just love you so much”)
Inability to take responsibility:
Your partner is ‘always right’ and refuses to accept responsibility for even minor mistakes.
They blame their problems on you, and make you feel as if you are mainly responsible for the issues in your relationship.
How Therapy can help you through emotional abuse
Experiencing emotional abuse is painful and exhausting. Even individuals with fairly robust self-confidence can spiral into self-doubt, self-blame and guilt after years of experiencing emotional abuse. Given the way emotional abuse steadily isolates us and undermines our judgment over time, we can live for years with an abusive partner without recognising the dynamics of abuse.
To counteract this impact, therapy provides a space to clarify your feelings, gain empowerment through information and find perspective.
You will also:
Develop an understanding of emotional abuse, how it functions in relationships, its impact on your mental health.
Increase your confidence and self-awareness. Whether you are aware of a toxic dynamic in your relationship or wondering whether it’s “all in your head,” I will support you to articulate your experiences aloud without fear of judgment or bias.
Gain insight into ‘red flags’ of emotional abuse, according to evidence-based research in the field of psychological abuse. This will help you quickly recognise abusive or controlling behaviours you may encounter in the future and how to empower yourself against them.
Reflect on ways to safely set healthy boundaries that reinforce your sense of self-worth and protect your needs.
Explore how your past experiences, traumas or self-defeating patterns may have made you vulnerable to toxic relationship dynamics. However, we will do this within the context of understanding that your partner’s behaviour is their choice- not your responsibility to pacify or avoid.
If necessary, we will work together to find you the support and resources to leave your relationship. Where appropriate, I will link you with services that offer legal aid or advocacy in order to ensure your safety.